Reflecting on delerium

I amuse myself with my (now that I'm old) late night post about a mosquito. Which by the way, either God healed me, I have healing powers, or that mosquito was super weaksauce, because all my bites are pretty much gone.

Anyway, may I vent a bit. Maybe its bad to do when I'm so tired and I hope I don't end up being a discouragement but honestly I want to just kick someone in the face.

I say that a lot "I want to kick(punch) him/her in the face." Honestly i probably say it once or twice a day. What I mean by that is i want that person to wake up! When a child does something wrong, i'm sorry but, you gotta beat that kid. The child may not understand exactly what or how bad the thing they did was, but they sure realize there is a consequence to disobedience. Likewise, I hate to see my brothers and sisters struggle that I just want to kick them in the face, like maybe they'll see they were being dumb.

And honestly, I wish someone would kick me in the face too. And not just to kick me in the face but because that person cares about me. Tell me when I'm doing something wrong because I know I'm not always an encouragement. For sure not. I know so because I'm always wanting to kick people in the face.

Maybe its bad (here comes the venting) but its not just spiritual things I want to kick people in face for. I think I struggle with recognition. I want people to appreciate the things I do, and I definitely work to please people, but I know thats wrong and I know that is not worthy of appreciation. So I'm stuck. I can't be appreciated because I know any good I do isn't a result of me so like I don't even know how to respond to "Thank you." Theres the Godly reason of not even wanting to acknowledge that I deserve any kind of thanks. But then I also feel a lot of times, that the thanks i hear isn't genuine thanks but rather a response to the service that person already knew and expected I would do for them and I just want to kick that person in the face. I don't buy these usefull things just for myself but rather to serve and share with my friends. At the same time I'm not blockbuster, u-haul, the mall, or a taxi service so pow! kick in the face! I want to say I'm not a tool but I am, and I am being sharpened and used to build up God's kingdom... I hope.

I think I understand more and more what it means to be an alien here on Earth. I don't belong and I don't like it here. I don't want to have these struggles anymore. I do the things I don't want to do and I am the person I don't want to be. I am literally desperate for change.

So in summation: Mosquitos suck, then people suck so I want to kick them, then I suck cause I'm a jerk for kicking people in my mind but I try not to let people know, then the world sucks because things suck.

But then how can I even claim any sympathy after I've received grace. I deserve worse. I just need to understand it in my heart and not just in my head.

I think I posted this awhile ago but still, I like it.

I won't survive
To live this ordinary life
I'm not alive
To live this ordinary life

And I will try
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life

-Starfield