for realz

So when I blog it's usually something I've been thinking about. Sometimes it's something a friend has made me think about because of their struggle or sometimes its my own struggle. A very good fri.... sister of mine encouraged me as a result of my somewhat defeated sounding blog. I was very encouraged. I am reminded that though sometimes it feels like it, I am certainly not running alone.

Anyway, I thought I would just be straight up about how I'm doing. I'm doing well I think. A good bit dry spiritually but this isn't the first time. I remember the first time I really felt spiritually dry I asked Pastor Peter Kim to pray for me and he told me that sometimes God lets us feel spiritually dry so that we can see how dependant on Him we really are. Indeed I am dependant, but too often I am dependant on myself. And I think this is what God is showing me. It doesn't matter the good or productive or responsible things i do, because by what standard do i measure those things to be good anyway. Even if I failed in everything would I thank God? I hope so but maybe this dryness that makes me feel like a failure has been teaching me that yes..... I am a failure..... and thats why I NEED to depend on God. Somehow, because of His grace a failure like me can be accepted and even ?lovable? I know it but God is working to make me understand it. Working it head to heart after all ^^

So knowing that what do i do? One of my failures is a lack of trust. I can't just sit here and trust someone (even God sometimes) to do the work that needs to be done. I always take it upon myself. But I am utterly helpless without God.

I used to tell a friend who thought she was taking spiritual steps backwards, that we look forward to see where we're running in this race because we know thats where the goal is. But as we mature God lets us look a bit further ahead and thats when we realize we're not nearly as far along as we had hoped. But God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He shows us that theres much more to this race and He gives us the strength to keep running. But we have to trust and depend on that strength.

Most of the time I think Christians try to run on their own strength, and maybe they can for a little bit but eventually they fall on their face. And maybe I've fallen on my face. But I know God will pick me up again and again even when I don't learn my lesson.

So as I learn and struggle face first I remember where my strength comes from and pray for more. More strength, more trust, more reliance on Him. I want run this race so I will cry out and never be defeated.

After all, I can't be defeated ^^ ever