You Gene

Just in case you haven't been blessed by eugene in your life let me introduce him to you.

This is Eugene Tseng

Eugene won't pose for me, he didn't like my suggestions. So I stole pictures. (Props to Garnet I believe)

Well the reason I want to blog about Eugene is because, throughout my Christian life, and little before it, God has very sovereignly placed people in my life that have very specifically encouraged me. A few examples include a friend I used to live with, she encouraged me and challenged me to stop being dependant on my own righteousness. Then a friend I served with, she taught me the importance of church and the inerrancy of the word. Then I lived with two brother who taught me how to serve and be humble.

Unfortunately these friends have all since stopped encouraging me for the most part. At least to the extent they used to. But thats life, the only ones somewhat gauranteed to stick with you is your family. But even they can come and go. Luckily God is everlasting and never changing.

Anyway, back to Eugene. Eugene encourages me to be gentle and disciplined. Never before have I lived with someone who woke up at the same time as me, and sometimes before me! Why does he wake up so early? He doesn't have work (though he is very studious and does research like every day). Eugene gets up to read the Word everyday! That doesn't sound like much and hey, thats expected, but sadly, at least among the brothers and sisters I know, that is a very rare thing. Eugene goes to church early so he can help the ops crew. Not many collegians, and frankly not many adults serve at Berean. It's true 10% serve the other 90% but maybe even that is too generous. But not only is Eugene in Ops crew, he's also on prayer team! That means right after setting up he and the prayer team (two more encouragements in my life) intercede for us. Actually I don't know what they pray about because I'm in first service but I think I know.

I know Eugene is genuine, selfless, and very intentional to glorify God in his service so it really sets him apart from others that I see serving. Not to judge, but I know sometimes in my own service, glorifying God is not top priority.

But apart from talking the talk and presenting himself in a "holy" way, Eugene lives it! Anyone who hangs out with Eugene knows that he cares about you more than himself. He is considerate and kind, gentle and patient, joyous and peaceful, good and self controlled...... dang starting to sound like...... fruits of the spirit?

Daily we wake up around the same time, try and work for Christ, come back and share joys, work out together encouraging each other to work hard, and we end our day praying as we sleep at the same time. Never have I been so disciplined.

I am secretly (or maybe not? i dunno) traditional, being the oldest of my family, immediate and extended. Oldest in my class, and until recently oldest among my friends. But this younger brother has totally humbled me and I am soooo thankful for him.

Let me end by illustrating his birthday last week. Eugene got a digital slr as a gift that a lot of us pitched in for. The thing is..... Eugene isn't really into photography, but he said once at Resolved that he wanted one in light of our paparazzi church group. Well someone picked up on that and decided to get him one. Though Eugene may have only had a small interest, upon receiving the camera he was very thankful and appreciative. In fact, he has since bought three accessories (charger, memory card, and photography book) to become a better photographer (he's promised me a cool picture of myself.... cool? haha). Eugene was also suprised on his birthday day, about half an hour after he went to sleep. But he smiled got up, talked with his friends, distributed cake and thanked his friends. Can I add that he got up early for DWYS the next day? Lastly, for his dinner we went to the shack and jo's pizza in santa monica. I don't know why he drove for his own dinner, but he did. Eugene likes food just as much as the other guys but we were there way past bedtime and he didn't even eat at jo's. It kinda seemed to be more for the guys than Eugene. But Eugene was very appreciative and thankful, never complaining, almost trying to please his friends in appreciating him haha.

I guess I'm just trying to express my appreciation. I think God challenges us in different ways and he is certainly challenging me through Eugene. I won't back down and I will work to be sanctified. Thank you God ^^

Eugene doesn't back down......

What does your charity look like?

This is what Charity looks like to me haha. I'm super lame. Charity is particularly bright for her age. She listens to her Mom very well and will share her mother's wisdom with us at least once a week. Seriously, Charity has her own story time every week it seems. Funny that once Charity and Hope open up to you, they are super talkative, like I need to tell them to stop so we can start service haha.

Oh gosh.... This is Jonathan (AND AUDREY IN THE BACK!!! I already posted her. Besides she told me "If you ask me to take a picture, its not going to happen." dang she hates me...) Jonathan is an only child, not that you could tell..... much. Sometimes he is my best behaved and most engaged student. He knows most of the answers, or he can figure them out. On the flip side, sometimes he causes the most trouble. Depends who he's playing with.

I'm really blessed by these two. They teach me so much and unlike adults, kids are sooo genuine. I love it. I love them. How did I get so lucky to serve like this? Is it even service? Awesome MLIAwesome.

The Lord's Prayer Bracelet. Todays Craft.

Our Father in Heaven (heaven, like in the blue sky, blue "bead")

Hallowed be thy name (Hallowed as in Holy even in white purity)

Your kingdom come, your will be done (purple cause its royal)

On earth as it is in heaven (green is a planet color)

Give us this day our daily bread (brown like bread or kogi)

And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors (red like the blood shed to forgive us)

And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil (black because temptation and evil is opposite white)

(For thine is the kingdom the power and the glory forever and ever((this is not in the bible per se but it is included in some translations, as such i guess we just went with yellow because its kinda like gold and i dunno i feel like theres too much stretching to explain this one but yes its gold....awesome..... haha)))

This was my bracelet

99%

MLIA but why? I actually think the "My Life is Average" comments are way more funny and relatable than FML. Besides, theres no cussing in MLIA. Haha.

But I certainly don't want nor am I called to live an average life. Well not average by any standard I know.

One thing that I think is pretty average though is complaining (in light of my recent complaints haha). A famous phrase I haven't heard in a long time is "count your blessings." But honestly, I can't! I'd be counting day and night! I'm so stinking blessed and spoiled its worrying even. I would even venture to say We're blessed and spoiled. Honestly, how can we complain about one little thing after the next, in light of all the blessings we have. Do you have much sympathy for that student who is upset they didn't get everything right and only got a 99%? My sentiments are usually exactly opposite of sympathy, probably because that person ruined the curve, gash! Haha.

Granted, there are things to lament and be sorrowful about. I'm not condemning that and certainly not condemning sympathy and compassion. Sometimes people really don't have many blessings to count. But then the grace given to no longer pay the penalty for our tresspasses is blessing enough. That alone is still a 99% Scratch that, its a 100%!

Worry, hurt, pain, remorse, and whatever bad things will happen. But complaining, sorry, I just don't see much justification for it in light of everything we have.

I complain for two reasons i think.

1. I am selfish and want sympathy and comfort

2. I share my burdens and seek counsel in how to deal with a situation

Sunday school just finished the book of numbers. One thing we learned was.... don't complain or else God will engulf you with flames, swallow you with the earth, or send snakes to kill you. Haha, not exactly how we taught the kids, but that was the basic idea.

BTW sharing burdens is not complaining. Just like you can share your concern about another brother or sister without gossiping. So too you can share you're burdens, what makes the difference is the heart. Sharing burdens for the pure sake of sympathy is complaining but the beauty of sharing burdens is in the definition. Brothers and sisters help us carry the burden, they counsel, they intercede, and they help.

bleh i would reorganize this blog because i just went on typing as my mind ticked (or didn't) Oh well, its not like i have very organized blog posts anyways. haha. behold my crazy thought process!!!!

Reflecting on delerium

I amuse myself with my (now that I'm old) late night post about a mosquito. Which by the way, either God healed me, I have healing powers, or that mosquito was super weaksauce, because all my bites are pretty much gone.

Anyway, may I vent a bit. Maybe its bad to do when I'm so tired and I hope I don't end up being a discouragement but honestly I want to just kick someone in the face.

I say that a lot "I want to kick(punch) him/her in the face." Honestly i probably say it once or twice a day. What I mean by that is i want that person to wake up! When a child does something wrong, i'm sorry but, you gotta beat that kid. The child may not understand exactly what or how bad the thing they did was, but they sure realize there is a consequence to disobedience. Likewise, I hate to see my brothers and sisters struggle that I just want to kick them in the face, like maybe they'll see they were being dumb.

And honestly, I wish someone would kick me in the face too. And not just to kick me in the face but because that person cares about me. Tell me when I'm doing something wrong because I know I'm not always an encouragement. For sure not. I know so because I'm always wanting to kick people in the face.

Maybe its bad (here comes the venting) but its not just spiritual things I want to kick people in face for. I think I struggle with recognition. I want people to appreciate the things I do, and I definitely work to please people, but I know thats wrong and I know that is not worthy of appreciation. So I'm stuck. I can't be appreciated because I know any good I do isn't a result of me so like I don't even know how to respond to "Thank you." Theres the Godly reason of not even wanting to acknowledge that I deserve any kind of thanks. But then I also feel a lot of times, that the thanks i hear isn't genuine thanks but rather a response to the service that person already knew and expected I would do for them and I just want to kick that person in the face. I don't buy these usefull things just for myself but rather to serve and share with my friends. At the same time I'm not blockbuster, u-haul, the mall, or a taxi service so pow! kick in the face! I want to say I'm not a tool but I am, and I am being sharpened and used to build up God's kingdom... I hope.

I think I understand more and more what it means to be an alien here on Earth. I don't belong and I don't like it here. I don't want to have these struggles anymore. I do the things I don't want to do and I am the person I don't want to be. I am literally desperate for change.

So in summation: Mosquitos suck, then people suck so I want to kick them, then I suck cause I'm a jerk for kicking people in my mind but I try not to let people know, then the world sucks because things suck.

But then how can I even claim any sympathy after I've received grace. I deserve worse. I just need to understand it in my heart and not just in my head.

I think I posted this awhile ago but still, I like it.

I won't survive
To live this ordinary life
I'm not alive
To live this ordinary life

And I will try
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life
To see this world I live in
With Your eyes
To love this world You've given
With my life

-Starfield

I am food

Literally, for the mosquito that has bitten three times on my right forearm, once on my left ankle, and once near the left armpit. (ankle is the worst, can totally see a big white bump and I'm pretty sure I've only been bit in the last 5 minutes or so.

How do I know? because my phone alarm went off 1:50 to let me know my report is due today. As if I didn't know. But with the new phone I was playing with the calender application so this is what I get.

Funny how, if I were to be honest, I blame God first. "Are you disciplining me for not reading lately?" "For not praying enough?" I mean it doesn't take me long to realize that is foolishness. First of all, I know God doesn't really care how often or how long I read or pray. He cares about our relationship, which will probably result in reading and praying anyway.

So is God disciplining me? Maybe, maybe not. Despite God's sovereignty over even the most pesky mospuito, sometimes the solution is..... just close the door next time. And now its hot.....

P.S. I'm in a dilema. I heard the mosquito so i jumped, then grabbed my blanket and fell on top of my bed. haven't heard the mosquito again. So is it trapped? dead? or free?..... Dang it..... Lets try this again. おやすみなさい

Happy Contentment

I rerealized something I already knew, but funny how you actually forget what you know and often act contrary to it.

Anyways i was bummed by the thought that maybe i won't get all the things I want and I have to be content with that. In fact I need to be content even if I lost everything I had. How is this possible? I can't just be happy when I don't want things to happen that do happen. But then thats not really what contentment is.

For example, pastor Paul Pak gave a message this last week about suffering. In this message he talked about his 3 year old son Nathaniel Isaiah who has down syndrome. But then this situation wasn't suffering for him, well maybe at first, but in fact I'm sure he counts his son as a blessing.

The thing about contentment is it doesn't require you to be happy about what is happening. You can be content and happy, but being happy doesn't mean your content and as such, not being happy doesn't mean that you are not content.

I don't know what You are doing God, and sometimes I don't like it, but help me to trust and be content.

(gosh i really don't want to do this report right now haha)

Deceitful Hearts

Let me say as a practical and logical engineering type person that I can not escape the impractical and illogical foolishness of my heart.

Patty is so clever. "Working it head to heart"

I remember some of the things I learned from resolved is that 1. Often times the enemy is.... yourself and 2. Sin is irrational.

I wonder to what extent the second point has bearing on the irrationality of my own heart. I know what the right thing is, I generally know what I should say, I know what the Word says and how to glorify God as a result. But knowing is worthless without doing. In fact, knowing is worse when you do the wrong thing!

For example, whats worse, a child who plays with fire and gets burnt, or a 23 year old college graduate who plays with fire and gets burnt?

Therefore (wherefore is the therefore there for? haha), since my heart is deceitful I will strive to work it head to heart. It seems to me that what is on your mind most does eventually work its way to the heart. Those you hang around with, those you talk with, what you talk about, what watch, what you read, those are the things that take residence in the heart.

So I will fill my head and my heart with God's word and His goodness. And I'm thankful for so many opportunities, so many leaders, brothers, sisters, books, and easy access to His Word.

Thats all. Just noticed recently that I don't make sense sometimes and it's my hearts fault. I don't have the control that I wish to have over emotion..... yet 0.o

for realz

So when I blog it's usually something I've been thinking about. Sometimes it's something a friend has made me think about because of their struggle or sometimes its my own struggle. A very good fri.... sister of mine encouraged me as a result of my somewhat defeated sounding blog. I was very encouraged. I am reminded that though sometimes it feels like it, I am certainly not running alone.

Anyway, I thought I would just be straight up about how I'm doing. I'm doing well I think. A good bit dry spiritually but this isn't the first time. I remember the first time I really felt spiritually dry I asked Pastor Peter Kim to pray for me and he told me that sometimes God lets us feel spiritually dry so that we can see how dependant on Him we really are. Indeed I am dependant, but too often I am dependant on myself. And I think this is what God is showing me. It doesn't matter the good or productive or responsible things i do, because by what standard do i measure those things to be good anyway. Even if I failed in everything would I thank God? I hope so but maybe this dryness that makes me feel like a failure has been teaching me that yes..... I am a failure..... and thats why I NEED to depend on God. Somehow, because of His grace a failure like me can be accepted and even ?lovable? I know it but God is working to make me understand it. Working it head to heart after all ^^

So knowing that what do i do? One of my failures is a lack of trust. I can't just sit here and trust someone (even God sometimes) to do the work that needs to be done. I always take it upon myself. But I am utterly helpless without God.

I used to tell a friend who thought she was taking spiritual steps backwards, that we look forward to see where we're running in this race because we know thats where the goal is. But as we mature God lets us look a bit further ahead and thats when we realize we're not nearly as far along as we had hoped. But God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He shows us that theres much more to this race and He gives us the strength to keep running. But we have to trust and depend on that strength.

Most of the time I think Christians try to run on their own strength, and maybe they can for a little bit but eventually they fall on their face. And maybe I've fallen on my face. But I know God will pick me up again and again even when I don't learn my lesson.

So as I learn and struggle face first I remember where my strength comes from and pray for more. More strength, more trust, more reliance on Him. I want run this race so I will cry out and never be defeated.

After all, I can't be defeated ^^ ever

No blogging = no growth?

Kinda, I think.....

I haven't blogged in awhile because I've already blogged about whats on my heart. So I start wondering whether I'm learning anything new or not?

Well I guess that can't be it because I certainly learned a lot at resolved and multiple times a week at or from Berean.

Maybe I'm not doing enough?

That may be true but I do read, pray, go to bible study, church, serve hmmm maybe i need to evangelize more?

But then I guess i learn often enough to know it's not exactly what I do that grows me but rather how I'm growing that compels me to do what I do (and with what kind of attitude)

Maybe I just lack lack passion?

Hmm... maybe but then I don't even know what that would look like in me. I am not passionate about many things and the things that I am passionate about I think manifests itself into just talking about it alot, but then I talk about God more than I talk about those things, I even blog about my relationship with Him....

So maybe I need another discipler (PPC went to China for a year! and yes I will find another) or more genuine fellowship and accountability

But then I have had PPC for almost a year really challenging and rebuking me and that has been so helpful in reallizing where i need to grow.

Hmmm.... sorry I don't know what exactly makes someone grow. But I know all those things are good things that I will continue to strive for. I don't know where I heard it from but I remember hearing that a growing Christians needs to her/himself in the way or righteousness. You may not be righteous or holy but it doesn't help when your not in an environment that supports that kind of growth.

I won't fret about not growing as much as I would like, I will just be all the more resolved to be obedient. An ayenjul sent this to me yesterday. http://www.heartlight.org/spurgeon/0710-pm.html there is still darkness in me. Probably a whole lot of it. But by grace I can still be day through Christ and one day He will make me light only.

Apart from that, it is all God's timing. I wish to be instantly sanctified but I know the process is what will glorify God. His plan will be fulfilled in the manner He has decided, whether i like it or not.

So please grow me Lord.

I have hope!

Older sister day!

Here she is. Hope listens to her mom very well and likes to share her mother's wisdom with us. She also helps Charity, her younger sister, find the bible passages.

And this one is Kayla, Audrey's older sister. She and Zachary are the oldest in the primary group so they get a little bored with the crafts. She always asks me to color for her and is grossed out when she gets glue on her fingers.

I'm out of pictures until next week : T