Old people are cute

I never really got that.  I dunno, old people just weren't that cute to me.  Except one of my uncles because even at 90, he is the nicest and sweetest guy ever.  He likes to play cards with the family (his children, grandchildren, and nephews).  We always forget that his mind is as sharp as ever, even if he looks like he forgot his turn, he still has us beat.....

Anyway, theres this guy in the engineering office whose been doing this kind of work for something like 30 years.  He's about 60 himself and still working.  Anyway, he bough some of

 those yanyan pretzel chocolate dips and put one on each of the engineer's desks (thats me now

 too!).

That was stinkin cute.

Theres a difference between me bringing donuts and telling the engineers to take whatever they want from my desk.  It's something different to place some snacks specifically on each persons

 desk while they are away.

Awesome

This is YanYan

This is Eric

Panda says "Go for more"

Goodbye

Goodbye second service, I didn't think I would miss you at first, but now it may be a long long time before I see you again.  :.. (

Hello first service!

Time to break, time to make

I really don't have much time anymore, not with work and school and ccm and church.....

And I keep picking up new responsibilities.....

When I first started to meet up with Pastor Peter Chung, I asked him to only meet with me if he had time.  He told me, time is made, not found.

Time is made, not found.

At first I thought that meant that there's always time for one more thing.  And for a college student, thats probably true.  But I've realized with my own schedule, a lot of times there really is not time for one more thing.  Sometimes theres not even time for the things I've already commited to.  This understanding isn't what PPC meant.

Time is made, not found because we very intentionally make time for certain things.  And often we don't find time for other things.  I think I'm still working it out a bit in my head.  But it got me thinking what do I make time for and what do I find time for.  Sometimes I make time for my disciplines and sometimes I find time for my disciplines.  The way we spend our time is such a reflection of our priorities.  Where we go and who we spend our time is how we CHOOSE to worship God.  After all, worship is a lifestyle not an event.  But back to time, if we don't have enough to do everything, then what are we choosing to do and what are we cutting out.  Is that the best most glorifying thing?

I may have complained a bit about the all nighter I pulled for SAN last tuesday.  But honestly, it was worth it.  I would make that time for my sisters any day.  Though sometimes making time to rest is the best way to glorify God as well (especially when I get all cranky from not having rested)

Make time for the things that are important, and don't find yourself wondering where the time went or regretting you don't have time to do the things that are important.  I wish I could do everything, but I can't.  I will at least make time for what will serve God best.

I ask why but I don't ask for help

I reread a chapter about prayer in Spiritual Disciplines. I remember very distinctly what Pastor Peter said about prayer a few weeks ago. He posed the question, what could be more powerful than asking the sovereign, omnipotent, holy God who loves us so much to help us? There is no one who can possibly help us like He can. He's answered prayers in the past and probably every day. So what makes me think that of my own desire, I can become more humble, more righteous, a better witness, a better leader, a more teachable servant, a better Christian. Honestly there is no way of improving in any of those aspects apart from prayer and accountability.

I'm a strong proponent of accountability too but maybe that rant will be for another blog

I love my family, they're sooo stinkin cute young and old. Here is my 89 year old auntie Michi. She is very much like a grandma to me. Since I never had grandfathers, my grandfather's brother and sister (auntie michi) have been like grandparents to me. Anyways

And then the youngest

Talkin to myself

I like my blog because most often its a way of talking to myself, and mostly rebuking myself.  Not having a computer and little opportunity to update at work makes me feel like I'm ignoring me.  haha sounds so self absorbed.

Blog(me).... I miss you.....

maybe I'll just blog from a roomies computer.

Sad thing here is, this took me a few hours to write, trying to hide it from my boss.  They don't care all that much as long as I get my work done.  But I still don't want them to see me.

Hypocrite

I talk a lot in leadership training meetings.  I think because I'm a prideful shekki who thinks he knows something but really doesn't know anything and maybe I want the rest of them to realize they don't really know anything either?  I dunno but I talk a lot.  Which is weird.  And the lamest part I think is that with me, no matter how true and humbling the things I say are to the new leaders, its all just talk.  And I am the uber hypocrite.

This last week we went over "steward leadership."

The definition of a steward is someone who is put in charge of something... anything.  That means your time, relationships, money, opportunities, and pretty much everything in your life.

I fail at it all but most of all I probably fail at being a good steward of my time.  (maybe blogging at work is an example of such failure but then I don't have a computer at home)  But honestly I'm so stinkin frustrated with myself.  Like seriously, theres no reason I should be so behind in yotb or school or my relationships especially.  I really wanted to meet up with like 15 or so people from each class and so far I've met up with like 5 total..... thats about 8%.....

And I'm such a stinkin hypocrite too!  I discussed and exhorted next years' leaders to consider all their time for God.  Most Christians seperate some time in their day (or maybe week or month or not at all) and devote that short amount of time to God.  But thats not how it works.  All time is God's time, not ours.  If only that 1 hr or so of QT or reading or prayer or whatever is devoted to God, is that only thing we offer to God daily, then the rest of the day is a waste.  Not that we should neglect everything and just pray and read scripture all day.  But the things that we do need to be devoted to God, at least centered on Him, to somehow work for His glory.  Even jobs, fellowship, rest, school, whatever we do, it needs to be for God.

Someone else said, just because your busy doesn't mean your being fruitful.

true that

I had pictures and stuff I wanted to post but I have no computer : /

Crybaby

Not actually crying, though I do cry often for a guy.  Luckily no one has seen recently ^_^

I felt like complaining.  I want to say that I'm tired.  That I just want to lay down and give up.  Relinquish the SAN responsibilities that I've taken.  Not have to deal with some people.  Not have to work in front of a computer screen for 9 hours.  I feel like giving up.  Disciplines are hard.  Behind in yotb.  Can't memorize like I used to.  Must read and be an example for my small group (who don't read this blog).  Life can be hard.

But I won't give up because of who I am working for.  Not myself, but my Father in heaven

-sata

That's what I might say today, but in light of this week.  That rant is laughable.  This is how it plays out in my mind

I felt like complaining but didn't.  I want to say that I'm physically tired, but my heart yearns for these people.  My flesh wants to lay down and give up but I press on and strive.  I need to relinquish their responsibility to the things they've done and take them upon myself.  I will deal with and for all people, even though they revile me.  I will work and suffer for the last 12 hours of my life.  My body gives up, but I do not.  But I know what has been written and what must happen.  My life will be an example to all generations.

Giving up is not an option.  I work for my Father in heaven.

Maybe thats how Jesus would look at my pathetic rant.  And somehow, not out of guilt, or necessarily duty, but the love I remind myself of rejuvinates me (well a bit to be honest).

Anyway, that was a conversation I had with myself in my mind just now and I'm inbetween projects so I typed it out so I'd remember.

Yes I have conversations with myself in my mind.  It's how I kick myself in the butt when I'm being stupid

I LOVE EUGENE

I don't really remember how this topic even came up.  But we were talking about dying and going to heaven or hell i guess?  Anyway this is the Eugene I know and love.

*In Eugene voice

"What if you die and the first thing you see is all red and black.....

I would think.....

Dang....

I messed up...."

HA... thats all

TITLE

CCM leadership has begun training for next year.

I've heard a good bit of speculation of who they might be, who would make a good leader, who should or shouldn't have been asked, who and who is not ready to lead.

I was asked to give my insight on one of the candidates to determine whether he was a good choice.  Thats cool because I will give my best insight on the good and bad attributes of a person in this situation.  But before I even got into that I told Travis that there are maybe 2-3 people in CCM who are ready to lead their peers and that last year, I was not one of them.  I know its really bad, but when I was asked, I think my pride had decided that I would accept the position even before I had prayed about it.  Maybe I was a decent choice considering the other options?  But I don't even know about that.  Well I guess other people who were asked regarding candidates were maybe a bit too excited that their friends would have such an opportunity to serve that they may have overrecommended them (in my opinion).  And of course I'm very excited for the one whom I recommended (and warned) CORE about.  But some of these people may play a very large role in the growth or otherwise for some young Christians, and thats not to be taken lightly.

Well those who were asked have accepted their positions and CORE can't revoke the offer based on my opinions.  I'm not going to try to get people to quit, but I think I will do my best to let leadership know what they're getting into.  I trust God and His plan, so no matter how things work out, I know He is in control and things will work out to His glory, even if I don't understand how.

But I will share with the new leadership my experience with small group this last year.  How it has been a great opportunity and challenge for me.  These three boys have been a great encouragement and challenge to me.  I have found more motivation by increased responsibility, I've grown in love, in knowledge, and even understanding.  Yet I've failed over and over to properly prepare for our meetings.  I've failed to be the example these boys need.  I've let my pride get the best of me.  I've taught with ignorance and out of pride.  I've stuggled with not being good enough.  I've been extremely discouraged by a lack of maturity in all of us.  I've just been discouraged.  I've felt bound by the expectations of CCM over God's will for me.  Even more than before, I don't think I can lead my peers.

But this is where I am, where God put me, and in His sovereignty, where He wants me to be.  I may not be the best leader and I will probably continue to fail but I won't be defeated, I will be more diligent and more obedient.  I may never get to where I'm supposed to be but I need to at least work towards that direction and by God's grace and the work of the Spirit in me, I might be able to glorify His name, even if just a little bit.

That all being said, a title is not much of anything.  Realistically, my boys are just if not more influenced by their class, the other upperclassmen, their churches, and other things I probably don't even know about.  I've told some before and I believe even more now, through the ineffectiveness of my own efforts, that those who don't have titles are sometimes leaders much more so than those who do have titles.  Leadership is best done through example, and that example is seen in the time that is spent with the younger brothers and sisters.  Some will spend much more time with these brothers and sisters than I will.  So I pray that none of you would reject your leadership because it doesn't come with a title, that you would all strive to lead your younger brothers and sisters.  That's what we're called to do and I am sure that you will also grow in your faith from that time invested.

I wish I had more time

Sorry that was stinkin long but theres really so much to consider when it comes to leading younger Christians, the fantasy of leadership, the reality, the consequence, the calling, the blessing, the difficulty, encouragement and discouragement, and so much more

A note about CCM SAN 09

I think the best thing to expect is... nothing

A lot of the components planned for this year seem experimental.  It may be awesome or horrible. Aish

And there is a power struggle among the leadership of SAN.  I feel rebellion amongst my dictatorship. 

How dare them oppose any of my ideas!

^_^

j/k kinda... brothers will be busy for the next week or two or three or four or five or six.... or they better be! 

I got a new car!

Well, as far as technicalities go, according to the DMV I owned a new car for a day then traded it back for my old car.

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It's not what you can do for the things you don't have, but what you do with what you do have.

It makes sense in my head, though even there its a little confusing and the line between the two can be very thin.  I think that sometimes I work hard as a student so that I can get good grades, but a better way to approach school is to work hard because I'm a student.  You see? its a difference of motivation.  Do something so that verses do something because of.

Ya its making more sense now.  It's very obvious to born again Christians that we don't obey to earn anything we don't have, to gain blessing, or favor with God.  That may happen apart from our work, but our work can't be motivated by what we get.  It's more important to work because of what we already have in Christ and as a result of who God is.

Thats not to say we shouldn't aspire to bigger things in our lives but that those things would not be the ultimate goal.  Recently I very nearly bought a car, signed papers and everything.  I called my parents to give them the final word, and what seemed to be a gross misunderstanding led to a cancellation of that particular deal.  Well that was the particular car that I wanted with the color and options I wanted and I knew it was probably one of the last ones in California.  I'm not really sure where my parents stand on the issue then or now but for the last two weeks my dad has been looking for the same kind of car (since the one i was going to buy was bought by someone else a few days later).  Turns out, that was probably my only chance to get that car.  Maybe I will try again in November when they restart production of the car.

What I'm getting at is that this was a disappointment to me, but probably not as much as most people think.  After all, as much as I love cars, its a little relieving to not commit to a $35k purchase, even though I can pretty easily afford it.  I could tell my mom was very worried about me being angry at them after the fact.  Well she told me that.  While I did make owning that car my goal, in the midst of it I found an opportunity to show my parents that I AM different now.  That I'm not going to cry and try to guilt them.  I found an opportunity to show them that what I value isn't worth $35k and isn't even in this world.

I could have easily fulfilled that goal of owning that car.  After all, I am an adult with an income and have been fairly independant for 4 or so years.  I had permission but no support.  And since they had a reasonable argument, it was more important to make my parents happy and to show them how unimportant something like a new car is to me.

My joy is in Christ whom I have, and there is nothing I can gain that can add to that joy.  I thank God for the opportunity to place my trust and joy in Him, even if it means I need to be disappointed in something or another.

Prune me Lord, I know you understand what is best for me much more than I do.