Best bad week this year

This has been a bittersweet week.

I have a midterm paper due tonight at midnight and I'me 0/5 pages done haha.

I forgot to turn in a hmwk

My boss gave me a long tedious project (but secretly I like it because I like seeing my progress)

I have three hmwks I should do tonight, after I finish my paper.

But then again..... Josiah is coming today, whom I love (more than he loves me, but thats okay)

And I got a job! Like a real one.  I'll be salary not hourly starting April.  I got about $10k a year less than the bottom end of average engineering entry level pay.  Thats unfortunate but then again, its still more money than I need.  Certainly I want to save for a house and all but I absolutely do not want that to be my motivation.  I've always worked and money hasn't been too difficult for me, and in that I've been supremely blessed.  But I need to be careful.  I asked my small group to pray for me to be discerning.  They made fun of me for having such a "hard" struggle.  But really money is a difficult thing.  I remember as a young Christian, I thought I should change my major, because if its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven, then I'm pretty screwed.  Obviously I understand grace and justification better now.  But still, stewardship is so so so important.  The parable of the talents comes to mind.  How wicked would I be to waste my blessings.  Do you know how much good, how much support, and hopefully, with the right heart, how much I can glorify God with this much money?

I think a lot of the Christians I know have a heart that basically knows God's love and appreciates it.  But theres a big difference between receiving something and saying "thank you I appreciate you" and truly loving that person.  You know, even if we weren't saved by Christ, God would still be worthy of our love and praise?  While our hearts may be headed in the right direction, our actions should reflect whats in our hearts.  If I say I love God, then it should not just be noticeable, but absolutely apparent!

I love the opportunity to work, the opportunity to learn, my parents support, UCI, studying for God, working for God, not being afraid to show my joy, planning things (sometimes), Switzer Falls, waterfalls, swimming, hiking, snowboarding, snow, mountains, views....

silent cheer!

I wish I was more outgoing sometimes.  Recently with the things I've been learning, for the first time in a long time I really want to shout out how much I love God! and I want to love Him more!

I thought of going to aldrich park or the beach just to yell, and then random people could know about this love thats found me, but since I'm too self conscious I'll just type it out.... how lame am I

I LOVE GOD! AND I WANT TO LOVE HIM MORE!

thats all ^_^

Oh happy day!

That's seriously my favorite song ever.  Especially because of the Chang family band.

I feel like I blog about this a lot, but maybe its something I struggle with a bit.

It is easy to be joyful when everything is going right, but I think its so much more important to be joyful when things are difficult.  God has used people throughout history in ways that I'm sure were not fun.  The prophets were not listened to and the apostles where imprisoned and killed.  But the passion I really really want is that of God's faithful servants.  Like Paul, who took joy even in his hardship!  That is being set apart, thats really loving God!  Argh I want to love God like that!

I'm back to memorizing Philippians like I should

Philippians 2:14-18

14 Do all things without grumbling or complaining 15 that you may be found blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation among whom you shine as lights in the world. 16 holding fast to the word of life so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain 17 even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith I am glad and rejoice with you all 18 Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me

POOP!

No wonder parents have so many stories, I babysit CJ like two months out of the year for like an hour and a half and he gives me a story every time.

Today he required some changing, and as much as I love changing diapers, I thought I should allow Joong Yuhl the much needed practice.  He wasn't bad.  He kinda didn't know how to roll up the old diaper so it doesn't smell but he threw it out and did some wiping.  But then CJ decided right then he had round two in him!  Joong Yuhl was way to slow to have had the new diaper ready so he grabbed a wipe and tried to catch round two while laughing and holding his nose.  It was pretty awesome.  Maybe you had to be there.  Makes me sad that I got a short month, with retreat one week, and the flu another.  Oh well I love that kid ^^

And I love serenity!

and I love Isaiah, though he can be grumpy

and I love Asaph, though he is always grumpy

Where's my... I mean His fruits!?!?

I'm so thankful to have a discipler like Pastor Peter Chung who will not sugar coat anything and will really keep me accountable.  It's hard to find good accountability, I think because our friends don't want to offend us and in our defensiveness we don't allow people to be accountable for us.  I guess I just can't be prideful and defensive against a pastor, its just easier to receive criticism from a pastor because I know that accountability is in love.  I know when my friends try to keep me accountable it too is out of love but my hardened heart turns a deaf ear and I need to work on that.

But that all aside, I'm so thankful to have a discipler who will encourage me and rebuke me to love Christ more than anything else.  If you asked me yesterday how I was doing, I would say good.  I would say that I've never been so content in my life.  If you asked me about school and work and being sick and any other struggle I had, I would have said those things pale in comparison and have no standing against God's love for me.  But if I were honest I would say that I was also thinking that I would be doing better if I saw more fruits in my life.  I shared with Pastor Peter Chung that I worry about doing a good job as a small group leader.  But he reminded me that fruits can not determine my love for God.

The fruits of the Spirit are not be a good small group leader, go to seminary, go to CCM, make sure people think you're a good Christian, be diligent with my disciplines.  The question is not, how do I be a good Christian employee, or a good Christian student, or a good Christian leader, the goal and God's desire is that we seek to be good Christians. (period)

I don't know if I'm a good small group leader, but if my boys don't grow the way I hope they will, still God is sovereign and He will use me as He wants.  Thats why I "how I'm doing" is to be based solely on my love and desire for Him, not the fruits in my life.  After all, many of the prophets didn't have their expectations met, weren't seen as great leaders in their time, didn't win converts, the apostles were found to be deserving of death and imprisonment.

I do care, I don't want people to think I'm a bad small group leader, I don't want most people to know I'm struggling, that I sin, that I'm not serving.  I need to not care what people think.  I dunno that was just crazy to me, because I didn't care that people knew I was a small group leader, I wasn't looking for approval or for peple to think I'm holy, but I do want to be a good small group leader.  Part of it was to be a useful and good servant for God, part of it is because maybe I don't want to be known as a good sg leader, but I definately don't want to be known as a bad one.  All in all being a good Christian is being a good sg leader, is being a good student, etc etc.

Dang thats long, sorry.  But it was just so crazy yesterday.  I almost cried haha... I think PPC noticed aish.

I want to love God and not care about the rest.  Well or as a Christian, care about what I should and not care about pridefull uselessness.

I want to love God

I love... God, I love loving Him more, I love Pastor Peter Chung, I love bible study, I love the minor prophets, I love my brother...

I don't love being late for his dinner, I should go right now haha

Pastor John Shin

I remember Pastor John Shin as a 19 maybe 20 year old drummer guy with a pony tail who used to help out and play drums for my high school EM ministry at Valley Light of Love Mission Church.  It was absolutely crazy to see him as a pastor about 8 years later.  I was seriously so excited to tell him I was a Christian, its just such good news.  I wonder if he was able to tell back then that I wasn't really a Christian.  I was pretty stinkin good at pretending after all.  I wish I had a heart that would so joyfully tell everyone how my life has been turned around and this joy and love that I can not describe with words but sustains me, keeping me together when I'm falling apart.  And I'm always falling apart.

I love Pastor John Shin, meeting new people at ccm, seeing old people at ccm, seeing old people from Berean, Josh Lim, Justin Kim, Henry Lang, Chris Cheng, seeing old people from my class, Madeline, Jessica, becoming a Christian, not being a slave anymore, never ever being defeated, fellowship, bbqs, getting up at 8 am to setup for bbqs, smelling like bbq, stealing bites while cooking and nobody is looking, senior banquets, my last one as a member of CCM, My last days of college, a new job, a salary, a bigger tithe, more to be a steward over, more time to play, more time to invest, meeting up with people, serving, being a big brother, being encouraged by my friends, my friends....

No worries ^_^

I appreciate all the prayers and advice for my illnesses

but.... to be brutally honest, ultimately I am going to follow my physicians advice and my own discernment.  Not everyone is trying to prescribe me something all the time but some do and unless there's a "dr" before you name I'm not sure you are credible consult.  For example, airborn has not nor will cure the viruses that I have, nor will orange juice, or V8 vegetable juice, or various teas, or ?kimchimogunpap?, or tiger balm on my throat, or any other concoction.  Sorry guys, its not that I don't appreciate your concern but when it comes to medical cures, I trust the experts, and prayer, and thats worked well my whole life.  Thank you for all the love.  I promise to do my best to get better.

dr. eddie kang.....

I complain too much so the other day I thought of all the things i love and thought about writing them down but then theres too many.  I thought I was all cool and original but i realized its the same thing as other bloggers "i appreciate" or "thankful for" haha.  oh well

i love bananas, banana ice cream, ice cream, banana cream pie, banana muffins, banana bread, snow, snowboarding, snow chains, all wheel drive, mitsubishi evos, mitsubishi eclipses gt, giving rides, sharing time in the car, ipods, song shuffle, christian r&b, christian rock, christian rap, christian punk rock, worship, ccm, praise team, eddie, jacob, sarah chun, sarah yu, josiah, cj, esther, mike ushino, sabrina, mina, ronny, aaron, sophomore year, bbqs, dosiah joke, tasiang, jon oh, steve, rogner, bruce, motorcycles, motorcycle lessons, safety gear, helmets, no car accidents ever, 1 speeding ticket, test drives, lexus isf, subaru wrx, nissan maxima, ford ranger, mazda 3, ford f-150, honda accord, honda civic, honda civic si, infiniti g35, bmw x5, porsche carera, cheap gas prices, 5 dollar footlongs, always seeing richard at subway, richard, richard always at my house, richard's cluelessness, people at my house, big tv's, movie nights, lilo and stitch, kids, berean kids, babysitting, caedmon, asaph, serenity, isaiah, mom's, my mom, my dad, my brother, my brother's birthday next week, birthday dinners...... 

haha thats enough time wasted at work haha I love a lot of things and one thing just leads to the next.

Some good?

Some things I've learned  since getting sick.

If you have a fever, don't take hot showers just because they feel good. (and oh em gee they feel good)  The reason hot showers and spas and all feel good is because when your internal temperature rises you're body isn't comfortable because the external temperature hasn't risen, thats why I'm "cold."  Anyway, don't take hot showers because you'll just end up raising your internal temperature.  and while it doesn't seem like much a couple degrees can start to break down the proteins in you body and then you get heat stroke.  A few more degrees and brain damage!  Crazy.

Tylenol Max Strength is the stinkin best.  I used to be an advil advocate (though mostly made of sugar)

Viral diseases can be treated with antibiotics like bacterial diseases, but ultimately you have to rest and allow your own immune system to fight the infection

If you go to Irvine Regional Hospital and get x-rays and then they close for renovations, your x-rays can no longer be retrieved..... what a waste.

Prayer works, but all in God's time.  Besides theres nothing too important that I have to do i guess?

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me, these new meds seem to be working pretty well ^_^

*cough cough

I think I'm pretty tough, I don't let stuff like a little cough get me down, even if it lasts for more than 4 months.  That may be my pride, but I'm not so prideful to realize coughing up blood is no bueno.  Now I'm on a bunch of new meds.  Not moving all weekend.

goodness....

I love you

Someone said they loved me yesterday (and it wasn't my mom this time) They said they appreciated me too.

I played it off like it was no big deal but it totally made my day.  And my day hadn't been so awesome up to that point. 

I hope that I can somehow be encouraging and whether I am or not I can't stop trying.  I want to because that gives God more glory.  But I still like to know that I'm at least heading the right direction.  And on the flip side I need to show my appreciation for all my friends for encouraging me and keeping me accountable.  I really do love my friends.  Why do people get all awkward and weirded out when we say we love people.  Its not so strange to say I love Panda Express, or I love snowboarding, when actually I love my friends so much more.  I guess if I can't say it, I hope they at least know it.

Speaking of love

This one person is always making me smile

always encouraging me when i need it

there for me when few others are

more mature than people think

and totally cute!

oh jon suh, can't wait for you to live with me again haha

Sick!

I am actually sick!  I don't count the cough since I get that like every year.  But now I have body aches, a killer headache, I'm super cold even in a sweat, and my throat is freakin owned!  Dang it....

At least my midterms are over but dang, I still have work to do and I can't get out of bed....

are you RESOLVED?

They are

This is from last year Resolved 2008 Heaven and Hell

Yay I like making videos! but I suck, hooray for school almost over then I can make more! (and get better hopefully)

Goodness

Considering the craziness over the last few weeks I've been looking for a new expression for the way I feel.  I don't really like ugh, or freak, or omg, so I tried a literal sigh.  But from that I realized I actually feel better taking a deep breath, hence an earlier post.  Somehow, I unintentionally settled with "goodness."  I didn't think about it much, other than realizing its not the most manly expression, but w/e, I'm secure in my burly rugged awesomeness.... goodness.  Haha.

Anyway, yesterday's message kinda got me thinking about the term and I like it all the more.  The speaker at CCM was talking about suffering and how it needs to be for the glory of God.  He was talking about how suffering is a good thing and that in God's sovereignty it will work out to glorify Him.  At one point, the speaker told us how one of his teachers used to and asked others to go mmmMMMmmMMM in the face of suffering, as if it was spiritually delicious and feeding that aspect of growth.  Well now I can't help but say "goodness" when things get overwhelming and then think hmmm "it is good isn't it?"  Somehow it all just worked out like that.  Haha... God,you're a clever one indeed, thanks for being awesome!

I wonder if goodness started with a Christian?  After all it is often followed by a "gracious" and God is more gracious than anyone or thing I know.  Goodness gracious.

I'm on one of the "games" teams for the kids at retreat.  We're going to play this sock war game and I'm so gonna pelt the kids that deserve it with my socks!

Uh Oh....

Its gonna be a tough one....

need to be awake for another 2 hours or so.  That being said...

5 hrs till work

14 hrs till midterm

39 hrs till hmwk due

47 hrs till project due

47 hrs till lab report due

62 hrs till retreat!!!!freedom!!!!

So Cute

So I got to serve in Berean's nursery yesterday morning.  I forget that kids grow a lot faster than we do.  Just a few months ago Caedmon was crawling on his blanket totally content with his blocks in his mouth.  But now he can pull himself up and stand and walk around as long as he has something like a desk or stroller to hold onto.  And now Isaiah is part of the nursery!  And Serenity can pick herself up too! but she can't stand for very long.  Crazy!

Anyway, CJ was especially gross yesterday and I thought I'd share my joy.  So CJ is pretty much always eating.  He came in with some string cheese that he was taking bites of.  But when he got to the end he decided he could finish the last quarter of the stick in one bite.  I was afraid he'd choke.... Silly me, he just went on chewing, and when he didn't want to swallow (or maybe couldn't swallow) all of it he kinda spat it out.  But not really just enough so we all noticed and waited for me to wipe it from his mouth.  Cute kid......  Loro later explained that he does that when he takes big bites.

So obviously I'm not the expert on babysitting, but I think its safe enough to say I have more experience than Joong Yuhl and maybe even Sally.  It was already a bad start, since Joong Yuhl and James Hong are two people that make CJ cry just by looking at them.  Then again, He did have CJ calling him (and everyone else) papa by the end of service.(He was actually going for "big papa" but thats a little difficult for CJ)  CJ isn't good with S sounds yet so he didn't really say Sally or Sata : T

Anyway, about not being an expert in babysitting I do know a few things.  Lesson for this time is, if a kid is hungry, they'll let you know.  CJ is a little deceptive though.  I was feeding him some cut up strawberries and when he was done he found something more interesting so I stopped feeding him.  Joong Yuhl, however, wanted him to finish the strawberries so he continued to feed CJ.  But the thing with CJ is, he'll eat anything thats in front of his face.... even if he isn't hungry.  CJ finished most of the strawberries a few minutes before service ended.  And, well, with some awesome timing, Loro comes to pick up CJ and he sees her, smiles, then opens his mouth to a red fountain of undigested and chewed strawberries!  I feel bad for laughing but I don't think anyone noticed seeing how CJ was unleashing about a bowls worth of strawberries.  Which he immedietly wanted to play with.

So Cute....

seriously....

Isaiah and Serenity aren't old enough to make for good stories yet.  No less cute though.