I remember....

College is coming to an end (finally) and there are a lot lot lot lot of things i remember.  I hope no one who reads this will be stumbled.  Hopefully this will serve as an encouragement.  I've been trying to be even more intentional with my posts, regardless of who reads them because I witness so much discouragement, that I hope by practicing encouragement that maybe I can be more encouraging, or at least intentional and discerning in my interactions and relationships.

Anyway these are a few things I remember (in chronological order)

-I remember being paired up with a high school friend in the dorms

-I remember my roommates dad emerged from under his bed when my parents came by (because he was setting something up)

-I remember getting drunk for the first time

-I remember the dorm sleepover in the living room and sleeping next to the girls

-I remember having my ex over to my dorm room

-I remember getting in trouble with my RA because she forgot my roommates name on a poster and I wrote it up there myself (it looked ugly i guess)

-I remember brandywine

-I remember being on AP three times my first two years

-I remember moving into my first apartment

-I remember trying weed 3 times, but nothing happened

-I remember having my first house party

-I DON'T remember two nights of my life

-I remember getting caught with pornography on my computer

-I remember taking care of drunk people and thinking I was awesome

-I remember going to CCM the first time and seeing Emily Yoon (who used to go to my high school church)

-I remember the guys used to call Josiah, Dosiah (because of the mispronunciation by his chinese roommate)

-I remember freshman sophmore hangout, playing "naked" and the name game with the blanket but not really knowing anyone's name : T

-I remember making out with a girl the last time I got drunk

-I remember fitting all the bbq stuff in my little car (grill, ice chests, meat, water, table) at 8 in the morning

-I remember giving a young christian his first alchoholic beverage and later seeing him at ccm.  Didn't see him much after that

-I remember Alex Han trying to sell the last ccm sweatshirts when he was still on core

-I remember planning banquet and when I met joyce, she introduced herself as "the joyce"

-I remember joining praise team, first meeting with Ronny's testimony and another day we went to Roscoe's chicken and waffles

-I remember my first bonfire, bruce's broken ankles, strange f-townness

-I remember three praise leaders... one year

-I remember Tim Keller gospel study and understanding for the first time my need for grace

-I remember going to Berean bible study the first week it was at Harvard park

-I remember Berean's 10th anniversary

-I remember Berean leader appreciation night

-I remember being a christian but living with non-christians

-I remember wanting to be a sg leader out of foolish pride

-I remember Jacob leading (facilitating) praise

-I remember quitting drinking

-I remember bcc classes and becoming a member at Berean

-I remember getting baptized

-I remember all the harbor houses

-I remember living with Christians

-I remember playing wow with josiah, late talks with patty, shenanigans with ak, and still living with jin

-I remember esther and sharon dancing in my living room

-I remember finding out jon suh is more mature than he lets people see

-I remember tackling bruce that one bonfire

-I remember finally getting to go to one of those late night san diego trips

-I remember being in pastor Aarons small group

-I remember sata modern and body worship these last two years

-I remember vbs at berean retreats

-I remember forbidden rice

-I remember being asked to be sg leader and the leadership training meetings

-I remember resolved conference

-I remember Passion conference

-I remember being really nervous asking pastor Peter Chung to disciple me

-I remember the hiking trips and the mammoth trips and all the snowboard trips

-I remember recommending jon suh for sg leading (woops secret?)

-I remember meeting up with all the guy leaders for next year and trying to scare them, but they already are scared

-I don't remember ever having so much joy, like it doesn't matter anymore what I do, that hope and joy is founded on something greater than any circumstance or condition can topple.

-I remember how much I need God's grace, where I was, where I am, and where I need to strive towards

-I remember much more, and I remember all of you.

Brothers and Sisters, I love you guys ^^

Praise God always

It's been a really rough week spiritually, physically, and emotionally, but looking back on it, there were a few times and a few people where God seems to have so obviously shown me that He hasn't forgotten me, assuring me that things will work out to His glory, even if I don't understand and struggle.  I don't know how people live without dependence on God.  I'm just not strong enough to handle this life without Him.

But enough crying

I think most people who read this know i love kids.  Last week was my first chance to be a teacher for the primary group (pre-k - 5th grade).  And honestly, they are so cute.  I'm not a parent, but I kind of understand a little better what Pastor Peter was talking about on mother's day, about how children are an inheritance.  They are definitely a blessing.

It's funny what kids do.  Well for one, its funny what they find interesting.  We're going through Leviticus this month in the primary group and last week we were teaching about the levitical priests (which was then tied in to how Christ is our priest).  I thought it was really cool that Berean kids know what animals can and cannot be sacrificed, what an ephod is, and even that there are different sacrifices.  But what Faith Kim wanted to know was, do the Levitical priests work at night?......  Haha I dunno for sure, and the answer isn't all that important but I just thought it was cute.

I talked to an older brother about some people in my life who lack discernment and are not doing well, who have stopped going to church, or maybe even in a worse case, have jumped into a leadership position prematurely.  I recall the illustration that Pastor Peter gives about how when sheep follow each other, they do so blindly.  One sheep can jump off a cliff and the rest will follow.  And certainly a sheep by itself will not be able to do anything either

What really really really really breaks my heart is that the people I love know what they're supposed to do, they know the answers to their struggles but they tackle it by themselves or ignore their issues, or even knowing what to do, they just don't do it.  Its like watching the kids.  They'll do something they're not supposed to and a lot of times, dealing with the consequences is how they learn and grow.  But then again, they don't know any better.  As adults we do know better.  No one needs to tell us that we're not making the best decisions, that we're not living for God, that we lack discernment and wisdom because we already know.  But (and I know I've blogged about this a lot before but I've been so convicted of it this year) what good is all that knowledge and understanding, great or little, if it is not manifested into action.  Take the ultimate act of Christs death.  He could have loved us in His human heart and perfect love, but it would not have been perfect without His amazing sacrifice.  Likewise, what kind of love (or lack of) is in our hearts if it doesn't manifest itself to anything?

I would argue that even if you haven't conquered your sins and maybe even struggle more than others, don't let that restrict your service or encouragement.  I think of all the husband wife illustrations I've heard.  What kind of love does a husband have if the only way he manifests his love is by saying "i love you."  somehow we all know saying it just isn't enough.  It doesn't reveal the heart much.  But even worse, what if a husband didn't even say it, what if he just held what is so good only in his heart.  What a shame that would be.

It's like I'm watching kids play with fire, but these people aren't kids, they're adults, leaders, Christians.....  Don't do what you know is wrong, it's all a choice, fail or not, theres not giving up.

We weren't given up on, if we were, we would have been totally wiped out.....

dang thats kinda long and no pictures or anything : T

Sanctification

Theres so much to blog about, so much so that I'm writing three blogs at once!  I think I'll post over the next couple days.  But first I guess I'll go with probably the most significant of my thoughts (or at least the most edifying mental conversation/contemplation I've had with myself)

Sanctification

This is a word I want you to know (mr. locke and rest of sg who doesn't read this but will hear about it on monday maybe and don't forget it like you guys forgot imputation two days after we talked about it... shekkis)

Sanctification is the process by which God makes us more like Christ.

Several definitions from dictionary.com

Sanctify [sangk-tuh-fahy]

1.  to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate

2.  to purify or free from sin: Sanctify your hearts

Sanctification [Sanc'ti*fi*ca"tion] n. (L. sanctificatio)

1.  The act of sanctifying or making holy; the state of being sanctified or made holy; esp. (Theol.), the act of God's grace by which the affection of men are purified, or alienated from sin and the world, and exalted to a supreme love to God; also, the state of being thus purified or sanctified.

God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation through sanctification of the Spirit and belief of the truth.  2 Thess 2:13

Why do I think sanctification is an important thing to understand?

Because sanctification is something Christians are and will continue to struggle with for the rest of their lives.  It's for sure a struggle because sanctification stinkin sucks sometimes.  Sometimes its circumstancial lameness, or physical, or even spiritual, such as spiritual dryness.  But what bothers me most is not understanding.

I am a problem solver, which is probably why I'm an engineer.  I'm not necessarilly good at solving problems but I feel good when I can fix something or when I can help somehow.  Either way this means I need to understand and remedy whatever is going on.  But sanctification doesn't really present itself to be solved.  I guess sometimes sanctification comes in the form of rebuke or personal discory/deeper understanding of sin, in which case ya its easy to know what to do.  Stop sinning.  But sometimes, as others would call in pruning, sanctification can be a long and confusing process.  And it bugs me sooo much to not know whats going on, i ask, "how is this supposed to make me a better servant" or "how is this productive to building up Your kingdom?"  I guess sometimes you have to be broken down to build Him up.  Less of me and more of You.

It seems like when it comes to a genuine reliance on God, that Christians often have their dependencies tested and thats stinkin hard.  Maybe its just me (and a few other people I know,) but sometimes our reliances get taken away.  Not anything that we really need but the things we want that we rely on for our joy.  I think maybe it really takes something as drastic as losing what we idolize to see what's really important.  It took me a long time to figure out and maybe I haven't figured it out but I feel like I've lost a lot of things that i used to value (or still do), like excessive rest, playing games, eating out all the time, close friends, expensive purchases, new clothes, time with family, good roommates, a clean home, service opportunities, relationships.  Maybe a lot of those things are lost just made more difficult and I'm being stoopid dramatic.

But regardless, my struggle with all those things, big or small, has made me more reliant on God, because no matter how my friends, family, roommates, circumstances change.... He doesn't, and His grace is enough for me.

I know that, but I still need to believe it wholeheartedly and live it..... workin on that

Rebuked

Kind of anyway.  I love how PPC is honest with me.  I love my brothers and sisters but sometimes they just tell me what I want to hear.  They want to make me happy, and I appreciate it, but I trust my spiritual family to keep me accountable and it's better to hear what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear.

Today PPC was telling me about how my priorities are in question by leadership.  I guess I'm under closer watch now and its kind of scary but exciting too.  Its good.  Anyway PPC was talking about how many things in CCM have no spiritual value and I agree to an extent.

Honestly, I am not looking forward to spam cookoff.  Why do we do it?  It takes away from time that I don't really have to give to something like spam cookoff.  It was suggested that even banquets and appreciation nights are just times for people to show off and be nastolgic.  Perhaps someone even mocked that we say CCM is not a church.

These things probably have some truth to them and I usually take everything PPC tells me into deep consideration.  But as I'm about to leave CCM can I say that.....

God used CCM to reveal His gospel to me

God used CCM to introduce me to Berean

God used CCM to introduce me to my now closest brothers and sisters

God used CCM to prune me

(okay you get the point with the repetitiveness but continuing) I've been encouraged

discouraged

challenged

taught

blessed with the opportunity to serve

blessed with roommates

blessed with fellowship sometimes

and honestly thats just the tip of the iceberg.  Of course CCM is not perfect by any standard.  I think in some cases its a bad thing.  But for me, I have been saved through CCM and have been so blessed by so many things and by so many people.  And God presented me with the opportunity to give back and to serve in that capacity.  I just hope that someone will come to Christ or grow in their relationship like I did, through CCM.  If thats the kind of fruit CCM can potentially produce, then really do think it's worth it.

Granted, PPC is definitely right in that CCM can't take such a priority that it hinders my own growth.

Ya thats all

I got a new email signature for work.  I feel so professional.  I have business cards now too! cool.

Engineering Team
asata@futek.com  

FUTEK Advanced Sensor Technology, Inc.
10 Thomas, Irvine, CA 92618
V: 949.465.0900
F: 949.465.0905
Toll: 800.23.FUTEK
www.futek.com

I have no friends

I don't intend to be nor want to be prideful in any way but in my best discernment I would like to think that I've grown a lot since becoming a Christian just 3 years ago.  But back then, every Christian was such an encouragement and challenge to me and my lifestyle.  I couldn't help but look up to my brothers and sisters and follow their example of a God glorifying life.

Lately I've been pretty discouraged, not stumbled, but just so disappointed in the lives of my brothers and sisters.  I wonder whats happening?  Are they backsliding?  Are they just not being discerning?  Is it me?  Is my sense of discernment and what glorifies God wrong?  Am I just being too critical and lacking in grace?

I am nothing like Paul, but I wonder if he felt the same way.  He poured out everything for his brothers and sisters' benefit (which is why I'm nothing like Paul).  But they still failed.  The people he loved totally rejected him and all he was doing was living the calling that God gave him.  Maybe to the people failing, they thought they were doing okay.  But to Paul, how much did it wrench his heart to see them continue to rebel against God.  Yet he was still able to take joy in the things they did get right.  As mature as Paul was in his faith, He must have noticed every imperfection and act of rebellion, every action that had no discernment, every life that was lived for this world and not for the Father, every every every discouraging thing.  I wonder if Paul was ever discouraged and what he did about it?

Honestly I have no conclusion to come to at the end of all this.  I really don't know what to do.  If only I could love more I would rebuke my brothers and sisters.  But I have a horrible heart that cannot rebuke without judgement or bitterness for most people.  And even the people I think i can rebuke with the right heart, I still find it hard.  After all people really don't like getting rebuked (though I wish I would.  I can't think of a time I was really called out on something, and I know my life is far from what it should be).

Anyways, I'm particularly discouraged by people's use of time.  Granted there just isn't enough time to do everything, all the more we need to be discerning on how we use it.  For important things, I can almost always make time for but it seems like so many other people cant?  And even more than just showing up, why do people not come to things on time?  I dunno if its a white thing, but to be late is disrespectful because it shows how much more someone values their own time over everyone else's.  But then again I guess with this crowd, I'm lucky if anyone just shows up.  Like, honestly, if I ask if you're free, I'm asking you to save that time for me, but to say "maybe...." doesn't that mean you're just hoping for something better to come up and do that day unless that maybe means I'll check to see if I had anything previously planned, or if you plan a meeting you shoudl probably be there... and on time, or if you can't make a meeting, maybe let someone know (and not after the meetings already started but like ahead of time so we don't wait).... Anyway I'm done ranting....sorry.....maybe its not very edifying to publicly vent my frustrations..... hmmm something I should pray and be discerning about probably.

(I didn't get to it but I thought maybe i have more time to do things because I don't have many friends haha.  How emo lame.  But I never have the excuse, "oh I'm doing this or that with him or her."  My bad I'll be more relational and intentional from now on ^^)

Say Hi to me!!!!

So I'm joining the childrens ministry this week and I'm very excited/anxious about it.  It's pretty easy to play with kids, its something very different to teach them.  Kinda have to worry about that whole blasphemy thing.  That and kids like to repeat what they hear, so I better give them something good to repeat.

Anyway, this last sunday was my last second service and I'm pretty sad.  I love praising with everyone, laughing together, and just being together.  I love sitting next to eugene and jason and sharon (because I try to get to church early and they're the only ones there).  I love greeting people around me and meeting new people like peter, luke hsu's friend who is now in BAM and the two michelles.

I'm sure there are things about the childrens ministry I'll love too but the other teachers have been telling me its kind of lonely.  After all, Henry hasn't gone to second service in like 2 years.  PPC's vision for the childrens ministry is that the teachers stay with their kids as they grow up the next 10 years or more and really facilitate their growth.  Thats a pretty long commitment and a bigger task than I can handle alone for sure.  But I'm not alone, and with so many people interceding for me, I know God will use me somehow.

Still.... say Hi to me haha ^^

Sanity

I've regained my sanity and am back to normal...... or as normal as I ever am.....

I prefer to quote the Word but Starfield's Ordinary Life kinda sums up what I've been feeling lately.  This job, my lack of discipline, my laziness, the waste of time, my pursuits, they're all way too ordinary.  It kinda drives me nuts..... and I don't go nuts very often, or maybe I do but most probably can't tell.  Anyways...

I won't survive

To live this ordinary life

I'm not alive

To live this ordinary life

And I will try

To see this world I live in

With Your eyes

To love this world You've given

With my life

x2

This is the race we run and there is no quitting and no resting.  I won't walk, I'm going to run as hard as I can, no matter how difficult or discouraging it gets.

I like my Run Strong band thingy that kinda but doesn't really glow haha

!!!!!!!!!!

thats how I feel

My limited knowledge tells me that I shouldn't be angry, especially since there is really so much to be joyful about.  But I am so discouraged sometimes.  Ugh....

Is it possible to discourage yourself?  What I struggle with is what I find so frustrating in other Christians.  Like why are most of us so freakin lazy.  I just want to kick them and be like "what the heck are you doing for Christ laying there idle?"  But I'm the one who needs a kick every morning.  I didn't even want to go to CCM yesterday because I was tired.  The freak is wrong with me.... feeling sorry for myself?  (I love CCM and I'm sorry I haven't been as good a brother as I should be)

Maybe its because when I see other people struggle with the same things I do, I'm reminded of how much I suck.  I hate my laziness, my poor stewardship of time and money, my self serving "plan" for my life, as if I were even in control.

Ugh, just so frustrated with the lack of holiness, the glory thats taken away from God, the depravity and filthyness of so called reborn Christians like myself who still sin.  How much worse are we who sin knowing what it cost in pain and blood than someone whom has not had this truth revealed to them.  I understand that my actions drive the nails, that my heart crowned Him with thorns, that my flesh would tear and rip at His, and I still fail every day.

Thats my rant.  Sick of not living for Christ.  This life of mine wont be wasted.

Where will He find me and what will I be doing when He comes back?

Time is the topic lately

I'm reading through spiritual disciplines for obvious reasons and I've told some that Christian reading isn't all that awesome because I think most of us know what the main point is after about one page.  But then some little things strike me.  Like just now, time is fleeting, its like the sand of an hourglass.  There is no making up time and really, you don't know when its going to run out, but you know that it will.  How can I be so far behind in year of the bible when I might not live long enough to finish it.  Goodness I should be ahead in that light.

I don't think anyone feels like they have too much time.  Its' the scarcity of something that makes it valuable, like diamonds and gold (stolen from spiritual disciplines).  Likewise, how do we use what is valuable?  by throwing it away? by using it on something unimportant?  I mean you could use gold to buy candy but would you?  You could use a diamond as a hammer (nerd note: because of its carbon structure its very strong) but would you?  I think most people take whats precious and use it for whats important.  Thats why diamonds are used in rings for wives.  And gold is..... hmmm i guess both go to girls..... but i guess thats fine.... girls are important haha.

"Jonathan Edwards suggested living each day as if at the end of that day you had to give an account to God of how you used your time."

I know a lot of you have seen this but it better conveys how precious time is than me saying time is precious...... and it is ^_^   By the way I don't really like alter calls or emotional guilt messages as a substitute for genuine bible study and intake of His word.  Yet testimonies are definitely not devoid of value.

Short version

Long version

Clayton McDonald | Highlife | Nov. 5, 2008 from Atascadero Bible Church on Vimeo.

Viva la love story

This made me smile this morning.  I've grown such an appreciation for music while at college.  After all, thats how God drew me to Him in high school and the way he allowed me to serve him for 2 years in CCM.  When I play, I play for Him..... now if when I live, I could just live for Him.