Lately I've been pretty discouraged, not stumbled, but just so disappointed in the lives of my brothers and sisters. I wonder whats happening? Are they backsliding? Are they just not being discerning? Is it me? Is my sense of discernment and what glorifies God wrong? Am I just being too critical and lacking in grace?
I am nothing like Paul, but I wonder if he felt the same way. He poured out everything for his brothers and sisters' benefit (which is why I'm nothing like Paul). But they still failed. The people he loved totally rejected him and all he was doing was living the calling that God gave him. Maybe to the people failing, they thought they were doing okay. But to Paul, how much did it wrench his heart to see them continue to rebel against God. Yet he was still able to take joy in the things they did get right. As mature as Paul was in his faith, He must have noticed every imperfection and act of rebellion, every action that had no discernment, every life that was lived for this world and not for the Father, every every every discouraging thing. I wonder if Paul was ever discouraged and what he did about it?
Honestly I have no conclusion to come to at the end of all this. I really don't know what to do. If only I could love more I would rebuke my brothers and sisters. But I have a horrible heart that cannot rebuke without judgement or bitterness for most people. And even the people I think i can rebuke with the right heart, I still find it hard. After all people really don't like getting rebuked (though I wish I would. I can't think of a time I was really called out on something, and I know my life is far from what it should be).
Anyways, I'm particularly discouraged by people's use of time. Granted there just isn't enough time to do everything, all the more we need to be discerning on how we use it. For important things, I can almost always make time for but it seems like so many other people cant? And even more than just showing up, why do people not come to things on time? I dunno if its a white thing, but to be late is disrespectful because it shows how much more someone values their own time over everyone else's. But then again I guess with this crowd, I'm lucky if anyone just shows up. Like, honestly, if I ask if you're free, I'm asking you to save that time for me, but to say "maybe...." doesn't that mean you're just hoping for something better to come up and do that day unless that maybe means I'll check to see if I had anything previously planned, or if you plan a meeting you shoudl probably be there... and on time, or if you can't make a meeting, maybe let someone know (and not after the meetings already started but like ahead of time so we don't wait).... Anyway I'm done ranting....sorry.....maybe its not very edifying to publicly vent my frustrations..... hmmm something I should pray and be discerning about probably.
(I didn't get to it but I thought maybe i have more time to do things because I don't have many friends haha. How emo lame. But I never have the excuse, "oh I'm doing this or that with him or her." My bad I'll be more relational and intentional from now on ^^)
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