Where's my... I mean His fruits!?!?

I'm so thankful to have a discipler like Pastor Peter Chung who will not sugar coat anything and will really keep me accountable.  It's hard to find good accountability, I think because our friends don't want to offend us and in our defensiveness we don't allow people to be accountable for us.  I guess I just can't be prideful and defensive against a pastor, its just easier to receive criticism from a pastor because I know that accountability is in love.  I know when my friends try to keep me accountable it too is out of love but my hardened heart turns a deaf ear and I need to work on that.

But that all aside, I'm so thankful to have a discipler who will encourage me and rebuke me to love Christ more than anything else.  If you asked me yesterday how I was doing, I would say good.  I would say that I've never been so content in my life.  If you asked me about school and work and being sick and any other struggle I had, I would have said those things pale in comparison and have no standing against God's love for me.  But if I were honest I would say that I was also thinking that I would be doing better if I saw more fruits in my life.  I shared with Pastor Peter Chung that I worry about doing a good job as a small group leader.  But he reminded me that fruits can not determine my love for God.

The fruits of the Spirit are not be a good small group leader, go to seminary, go to CCM, make sure people think you're a good Christian, be diligent with my disciplines.  The question is not, how do I be a good Christian employee, or a good Christian student, or a good Christian leader, the goal and God's desire is that we seek to be good Christians. (period)

I don't know if I'm a good small group leader, but if my boys don't grow the way I hope they will, still God is sovereign and He will use me as He wants.  Thats why I "how I'm doing" is to be based solely on my love and desire for Him, not the fruits in my life.  After all, many of the prophets didn't have their expectations met, weren't seen as great leaders in their time, didn't win converts, the apostles were found to be deserving of death and imprisonment.

I do care, I don't want people to think I'm a bad small group leader, I don't want most people to know I'm struggling, that I sin, that I'm not serving.  I need to not care what people think.  I dunno that was just crazy to me, because I didn't care that people knew I was a small group leader, I wasn't looking for approval or for peple to think I'm holy, but I do want to be a good small group leader.  Part of it was to be a useful and good servant for God, part of it is because maybe I don't want to be known as a good sg leader, but I definately don't want to be known as a bad one.  All in all being a good Christian is being a good sg leader, is being a good student, etc etc.

Dang thats long, sorry.  But it was just so crazy yesterday.  I almost cried haha... I think PPC noticed aish.

I want to love God and not care about the rest.  Well or as a Christian, care about what I should and not care about pridefull uselessness.

I want to love God

I love... God, I love loving Him more, I love Pastor Peter Chung, I love bible study, I love the minor prophets, I love my brother...

I don't love being late for his dinner, I should go right now haha